if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
