i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
