my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
