Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
