last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
