I just saw a hot homeless man
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
