dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
