also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
