it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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