I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
