If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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