its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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