im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
