All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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