Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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