remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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