I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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