i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
