I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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