I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
