if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
my liver is dry heaving
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
