For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You made out with two different species that night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
