and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
