smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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