After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
