I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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