i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
