And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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