Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
