my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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