Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
