I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
