And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
