I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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