I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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