New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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