you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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