I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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