I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
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I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
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Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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