So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
