When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
