I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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