I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
