Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
