So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He passed out mid-signature
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
