Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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