i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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