Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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