i just wanna soil my oats bro
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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