You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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