so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
