Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
