I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
