I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
