i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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