Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
