Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
