Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
