I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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