Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
what day is it and did you see me today?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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